..It Was The Worst Of Times..

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I’d been lingering in the Narcissistic harem, for about 6 months after The Break-up from Hell. He had been dangling the carrot all that time, always just out of reach. I was in despair.

Then came The Day that he exceeded all limits of emotional cruelty I’d ever experienced, with anyone. Now, as an isolated event, maybe this wouldn’t have been the worst. But after 3,5 years of hundreds of broken promises, this event somehow encapsulated all the cruelty into one point; the singularity resulting in the Big Bang.

After these 6 months, I had started talking to this new man online, taking my first Bambi-like steps towards some casual dating. Just a sort of pastime. I figured it could help me focus on something else than the pain.

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This new man seemed really nice though, so after a few weeks we decided I should go visit him. He lived very far away. When the flight was arranged, mr. Narc reached out again, making small, but annoying, attempts at contact.

Now, these previous 6 months, Narc made “booty calls” to me, mixed with the occasional vague “serious” hoover; “I just wanna work things out…” (followed by the Disappearing Act).

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Until he got wind of the fact that I was trying to move on, by dating. Then everything changed, overnight. He started sending these long letters, which he would swing by and drop in my mailbox.

For three consecutive days, there was one letter each day. For every day I didn’t reply, the letters went from “I miss you”, to “We’re gonna regret this for the rest of our lives!” Each letter was 2 pages long. Upon reading the first two,  I still felt strong.

By the third letter, there was a shift inside me. This person seemed to be in so much pain. Could it be he truly wanted to make a mends? The old fears still stayed my hand, as I started to reach for the telephone. I didn’t dare to reply; what if he’d just pull another “peek-a-boo”? Drop me in a free-fall without parachute, as soon as I’d put my heart on the line and replied? I had been through that too many times to count already. So, I resisted.

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Letter number four. “I am ready…You’re the one I want to share everything with.. Please believe; I want all those things you want. I’ve just been scared.” Four pages of regrets, promises…

“I’ve been an idiot…If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I’ll do anything.. Right away! I do want to have children with you. We can start anytime! I swear; just hear me out. If you’d like, we could start looking at houses, right away. I just want to live with you. I’ll never let you down again”.

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After a few hours, I picked up the phone. After all, he had never poured his heart out like this. Sure, he’d let me down hundreds of times, but this? This just couldn’t be fake, him writing all these long letters, so filled with pain. It had to be real.

I heard the dialling tone. Suddenly a cold hand gripped my heart; what if this was a trick, again?? I quickly reassured myself; no one could be so cruel, not after everything. It was unthinkable.

Me: “Hi. I just.. I received your letters. I thought, maybe you wanted to talk”.

Hero: “Oh hello. Yes.. Sure”.

Me: “Well, you had some.. suggestions about how you wanted to fix things. Would you like to talk about that?”

“Oh… that. Yeah..Well,  I didn’t mean it like that, like we should do everything…at once. What I really meant was that it would be nice to, like, just see each other sometimes“.

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I had trouble getting air into my lungs. I could not speak a word; I just put away the phone. —————

I suddenly recalled the mantra I had learned about narcissists; one of the main reasons they hoover is to keep you from ever moving on from the pain they caused you. 

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——6 months later. I was having dinner with a close friend. (She knew some things about Hero, not everything, though).This was the first time I had the strength to tell this story to anyone; I had felt too ashamed, for a long time. I’d felt so stupid; sort of like I imagine people might feel after losing all their money to a con man. I should’ve known better. 

My friend looked at me, wide-eyed; “Wow! That is truly sick! Have you ever considered he might have a personality disorder?”

I had to bite my lip to not start crying; in these 4 years, this was the first time anyone else but me, had put those exact thoughts, into words…  I’m not crazy.

My most emotional Opera Song -Enjoyable even if you don’t like Opera!

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22 thoughts on “..It Was The Worst Of Times..

    1. Thanks for your kind words frozenjanedoe! I agree, it is indeed very hard to relate to their ways of thinking and acting without compassion. Thank you I try my best to keep flying! ☺ Hugs/Survived

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    1. Hey Miss Evelyn! I am a bit away from happy yet, still processing and healing/grieving. But Yes, in a way I am very happy that I escaped from being hurt even more. He can never hurt me again! And that’s great. ☺
      Love// Survived

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      1. Yes you are correct I’m indeed happy when I can manage to stay away!☺ As for codependency, I’ve read quite a lot about it. I love this quote from Wikipedia: “Everyone will experience times in their lives when they act codependently as we are all at some point a bit needy, but in therapeutic terms, these are just instances of “codependent behaviour”, which is different to being a full-blown codependent”. Interesting, cause in the relationship with the narcissist, I could definitely be described as a codependent. What I find interesting is that in previous relationships I’ve been quite the opposite; independent, strong boundaries, etc.. But I have a future blog post in mind where I will talk more about this subject, cause it’s quite interesting. ☺ Take care//Survived

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      2. I believe I’m a full blown codependent. Which is why I keep getting my thoughts stuck into obligation zone. The thought that sticks most is my husband helping when me when I had some issues in fact we both helped one another. I suppose we grew apart little by little as I soon began to realize how incompatible we were. He knew this from the very beginning and used that analogy to state I saw you as a lost little girl and I stepped in to help you grow up and now this is my pay back. So guilt comes in with this statement that I owe him, forever.

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      3. Amazing that you have reached so many insights!☺ Both about yourself and about your marriage. Guilt and obligation are powerful and can keep us stuck for long periods of time. My belief is that we should be in a relationship because of love, not because of obligation or guilt. But it’s easy to have this sort of opinion, while real life is often more complex than that. For instance, I knew after 2 years with the narcissist that I had to leave him, or I would never become happy. Yet it took me 2 mire years, to break free.. I’m going to keep following your blog. I do wish you find the right path for you, to happiness! 😊Love//Survived

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      4. I believe you’re right. However coming from an abusive family, I’m never really sure what is love. Is love putting up with insults, gaslighting, and continuous sacrifice? Sometimes I don’t even know myself. I guess the only thing I know that is real is the fact that love is a promise. A promise that you’ll make the effort to be there for the person. As for happiness? I only know my right path is being there for my children, making them happy. My blog contains all my past thoughts and actions. My past posts are somewhat embrassing.

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      5. Hey Evelyn and thanks for commenting! ☺ I do believe having some dysfunctional patterns from childhood can make us end up in dysfunctional relationships as adults. (I touch briefly on this in my latest post Freud and Me, btw). However I’ve had functional loving relationships too, as an adult, so in retrospect, I can compare these with the narcissistic relationship. Putting up with things as you say, is not really love, in my eyes. Love is something that is mutual, I believe at its core, love is to always look out for the other person’s well-being, to truly want what is best for them, while giving them freedom to choose and think for themselves. I remember one healthy partner that I had, saying (while crying): “I do love you very much, so much so, that if you want to leave cause you’ll be happier, then that is what I want for you, just to be happy”.

        It’s hard to explain love but I do know that it’s a mutual caring that makes you feel all warm and strong, inside.

        I totally understand what you’re thinking about being there for your children. I don’t have kids unfortunately, but if I did, I would do everything for them. (However, as a child myself, I wanted nothing more than for my parents to split up, since they did not have love left for each other. But every life story is different of course). Keep self-reflecting☺ Many hugs//Survived

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  1. This is the same ‘book’ that all Narcissist read and use. The ‘let’s work things out’ which equate to: “you better change because everything that went wrong is your fault”, and “I really don’t want to be in a committed relationship with you, I just want to control and manipulate you and your thoughts”. Yes, Narcissist are evil,evil people.

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    1. Hey Tela, thanks for commenting! Yes, I agree totally, it’s all about control. Here, it was obvious that the narc didn’t even want to be with me, but neither did he intend to let go of – the control! Crazy-making! Funny you should use the word evil, that’s the next post I plan to write about! Be well and take care. ☺//Survived

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  2. So glad you are no longer in that situation, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You are worth so much more than he could ever imagine. It is lonely living within that realm of emotional abuse, but oh the moment of relief when someone else finally assures you that you are not the crazy one.

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    1. Hello janene65 and thanks for your kind words! It is indeed lonely, and it is an amazing feeling when someone validates your experiences (like you just did, too☺). Am working on healing, processing things through blogging. Take care,//Survived

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  3. Sadly, I got all those letters and emails with professions of sorrow, false promises and love as well. I bit hook, line and sinker the first time, but not so much the second. The mask had already slipped, and this is when things went all for the worst. I think they try to project all their pain upon someone else to carry. It’s a temporary fix until they find the next target/victim. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. It’s a very ugly disorder and no one can really understand unless having been through it. Warmest wishes.

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