Dreams, Sex, And A Lost Cause

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We were smoking cigarettes, like we’ve always done, you and I. A rebellious, playful cigarette once in a while. Dangerous and even lethal, but not immediately. Just like you. 

You had suddenly come visiting my family. My uncle and my brother were there. You were going to buy something from my uncle. He seemed charmed by you, of course, and you laughed manly laughs while talking about something technical I didn’t understand. But my brother frowned and said it would be best if I kept you out of his sight….My brother knew some of the stories I’d told about you.

I was determined not to get close to you, still. You had been visiting for a couple of hours and several times you tried to steal secret touches. I managed to avoid them, mostly. I knew touching would melt away my resistance. And that I would pay a heavy price of regret for it later.

We had stepped outside, walking around in the square outside. At one point up in the apartment, when everyone else were in8b0adda0ababb7063886b59675658227.jpg other rooms, you’d managed to sneak up behind me, and hold me. My limbs were immediately weakened. You went on to bury your face in my hair, to breathe me in. As though you had missed me so much, you had to inhale as much of me as you could. That thought was unbearable.

As we walked around in the square, suddenly, a gang standing in a corner of the square, started following us around. I got a bit scared and instinctively grabbed your hand. You pulled me closer, so that we were walking in step, with your arm around my shoulders. As if you told the curious or dangerous gang, that they’d have to deal with you, before getting to me. You being so tall, and your lean, yet strong and masculine shape, made me feel safer. We entered the apartment building again, where they couldn’t get to us. But now, we had nowhere to go, cause of my brother upstairs.

With that look of mischief and those beautiful wrinkles around your eyes, those that only come out when you smile your biggest smile, you grabbed me by the hand and started walking up the stairs. The house was several floors, but I didn’t understand what you were up to. We quickly reached the attic.

With a hesitation that made my feet unsteady, I entered the attic. It was semi-dark. Faint light poured in here and there. We could see each other, but barely. The attic was of the old type, with interior of wooden planks. It consisted of two large rooms, where people had put their old things in piles along the walls. We laughed at first: being up there, like naughty children.

I could smell you…. That scent which melts away the rest of the world and leaves only you and me left in it. That scent of man, forest, summer breeze, salty seas, innocence and lust, d14b749f5dd777c391b91996f77f09a5all wrapped into one. Your scent mixed with the smell of old wood in the attic. Your smile faded, as you looked at me, worried, searched my eyes. I lowered my gaze; my resistance was all but wiped out.

You stepped closer, slowly, as though you were approaching a deer you didn’t want to frighten. I stood still, my body frozen. You leaned in to kiss me and there was nothing I could do. It was pointless. I had tried thousands of times to resist, but failed. In this moment it hit me; I’ll never be able to resist you, when I see you in person.

You caressed me all over and I leaned back against a table which stood by the wall….

We sank down onto the floor, like hungry wolves starving for months; we devoured each other. Your skin was burning hot. All I knew was, I had never felt such relief as when you held onto me in that moment, so desperately; a drowning man. You c40b7fb9280bfbd926415062ea8375b0.jpgalmost couldn’t get the words out, when you whispered: “I’ve missed you so”! After that it was all tasting; skin and lips, soft touches and then rougher, I think I clawed your back, at one point…. Explosions of stars in the dark, whispers of love.

Darkness and your skin erased all my grief. Nothing existed or mattered, outside.

Afterwards we stood and arranged our clothes. You pulled me into your arms again, and I was once more surprised at how tall you are. I can stand in your embrace, and my head will fit exactly just beneath your chin, with no need to adjust, at all. We have both laughed about that so many times, that the fit is so very exact, like two pieces of a puzzle.

 

Standing like that, you pressed your lips against my hair. I sighed, took a step back and looked at you, old fears written across my face. You had that little wrinkle between your eyes, the one you get when you’re troubled. Your eyes looked like they were about to be filled with tears, although we both know, they can not. Then you said you hadn’t been able to 0c6e9dc81236dad37e2bf8030961d9bareach me, and you’d tried so many ways to do so. I opened my mouth to say something, when suddenly some people came into the attic to collect their things….
(Like people do..? Collect things in one’s attic, at random….)

You exchanged pleasantries, and they smiled and understood what had been going on.
I worried that our moment would be gone, so I took your hand and held onto it, while you spoke to the couple. You let your fingers slide over mine, and then you squeezed my hand back gently  but with a firm grip. Like you weren’t going to let it go again…. 

—————————–

– I always wake up 1 or 2 minutes before the time I’ve set my alarm to wake me. I think it’s a thing my brain does, because it finds it uncomfortable to wake up to noise. It was the same, this time. So I drifted out of sleep, felt you fading away, until I was fully awake. Then my alarm clock made its horrible noise. “No!” I whispered to myself, clinging to that dream with all I had, while it was slipping, slipping away, as my eyes filled with tears….

More than anything in this world, I wanted that dream to be real. 

Save yourselves. I fear I’m a lost cause.

22 thoughts on “Dreams, Sex, And A Lost Cause

  1. Ha! You are definitely not a lost cause (unless you contacted him after – did you? DID YOU?! 🙂 ), but boy this was a good piece to read. I’ve been ‘starving’ for almost a year now (gulp), so reading stuff like this hits home, haha. There’s absolutely no shock in you dreaming about him, at the end he made his marks on your life. Maybe it’s time for you to start dating? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks MWS! No I did not contact him, but we have been in contact quite recently. I am always working towards the goal of No Contact of course, but he “hoovers” me so hard if I start slipping away, so the longest No Contact I manage is always about a month… then it all falls apart again, and sometimes stuff like this in the dream happens…. so, formally, out relationship ended 18 months ago, but in “reality” it has never really truly ended, for good. That is what I am constantly working towards… like I have my blocking apps on my phone now.

      I want to start dating soon indeed. But I am still too much of a mess…need a bit more healing first. Tried to talk to people on online dating site but it was difficult. Thanks for your kind comment, hugs! 💜

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Yes, I’ve been dealing with some narc ” hoovering” quite recently and then it stopped. Again. He went silent again. And now this dream came, instead.. *sigh*.
      It did ruin the day cause it reminded me of the wonderful passionate love that we had (but which was apparently only in may head, since he is a narcissist…).
      Luckily, now it is already quite late evening where I live (Europe), so I am starting to feel a bit better. Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂

      Like

  2. Oh S. I know how unsettling a dream like that is. I’ve had two of those about Scott and it’s so disorienting, so upsetting.

    You’ve done well not see him or contact him. I feel the same way I can’t see him I don’t think I could resist, I know no good would ever come from it and I know that you know the same. Still, it’s hard.

    Just take it one day at a time and do the best you can for yourself. Big hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Indeed it is! And what is “almost re-traumatizing” about it, is that he and I must have had, well.. not hundreds, but certainly about 25-30 or more, of these events happen, in real life! Over the last 18 months…. These so called reunions that aren’t really reunions, it is basically him feeling lonely and “missing” me at times, and then hoovering me multiple times, until I crumble, and see him… and that is when these crazy passionate things happen…. like in the dream. That is why the dream was so very real, cause it has a basis in 25-30 eerily similar occasions in real life. That is why I had the fear in the dream, like: Oh well, he will just disappear again. Of course, in the dream, my mind made it so that it would seem he wouldn’t disappear, but instead become normal, and “fight for us”, or some shit. Lol! 😉

      Anyway, it brought out a profound sadness, ofc. It didn’t get better from the thought that: “I KNOW he will contact me today. And he did. (Yesterday). I will write about that tomorrow though. Today I will write a happy post, instead! Will be published around 08.00 (your time), this Sunday morning.

      I thank you for your kind words. It is amazing that there are people like you who care to give such kind words. 🙂 Well, we sort of are “in the same boat”, aren’t we. Stay strong. Hugs and love!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh the knowing is so hard, you know I deal with that all the time. I went to a psychic/medium about it, it made me so crazy.

        My dreams were so real, when I woke I thought he was in my room, I could smell him, there, taste him, feel his warmth in the bed, hear my slider to my deck open. I really felt he was there in some form. I woke up sobbing. And the last two…he was always trying to convince me to be with him, while he was still with her. Talking to me just like he would if he were there. I always said no, I couldn’t…but it was so painful to dream, and to wake up from. So you have my utter compassion for dreaming like this.

        Yes, we are in the same boat. And there may be a deeper connection to this man than you realize, which makes it hard, if you repeatedly know when he’s going to contact you. In Many Lives Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss, the patient had a very contentious relationship with her boyfriend, and it turned out that he was a part of her past lives, and in the original one, he cut her throat. They had been working out the karma since. You know I am positive that S and I knew each other before, the soul to soul connection is just too deep. I keep telling myself, it doesn’t matter what it was before, the fact is that right now, in this life, it is only toxic and painful.

        Big hugs. Hoping you have a dreamless sleep tonight. xo

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have thought about that before, and I honestly don’t know what to believe. I have felt many times that “he will contact me today”, or a lot of the times “it will be in the next couple of days”. And it has been correct about 80-90 % of the times. But I don’t know if that is because I am pretty used to his “hoovering” patterns, or if it is something else. I couldn’t say for sure why this happens. It is interesting though.

        Yes, we have these dreams, and this connection and so on, about/with them. But you know at some point it all just gets exhausting. Now I am honestly ready to just say to hell with it, I don’t want to know anything about him. Lol. I just want to be done for good. This will never lead to anything that is good, constructive, positive for me. All he will ever bring me is pain. And that crazy passion or whatever it is, just isn’t worth that pain any longer. I am so glad that you also are seeing it in that healthy way, seeing that this thing, whatever it is we are dealing with, is toxic. But going from that insight, to staying away completely, is hard. It may be the hardest thing I’ve ever struggled with. And that’s saying quite a lot.

        I wish peace for you my friend. For us both. So glad to have you. Someone who understands fully. 😊 💜

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes, we have to silence them! 😉 Lol, just kidding, that sounded a bit creepy of me. I meant keep them silent, somehow. 🙂 It will get better with time though, is my hope. xo

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You aren’t a lost cause. Just a woman who wants to be loved by someone incapable of doing so. You aren’t alone in that experience. But I have faith you’ll find love, real love, again. Sending you my love. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, DVM! I’m glad you say it sounds hard to let go – that must mean I managed a pretty decent description of this madness. 🙂 Wonderful passion and some really great things. Unfortunately most (or all) of it is basically an act, from his side. So no. Must stay strong. 🙂 Glad you liked the images, they give a good idea of what it was like between us. Thanks for stopping by, friend!
      xo

      Liked by 1 person

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